The real advent children
by xxcrimson-ninjaxx
Summary: Yeah Hollywood made the story of Cloud and The Turks seem like a epic fairytale- this is the real story. Note- I do not own Final Fantasy Vii or Advent Children. Also keep in mind that this is a parody so some parts of the movie may be missing.


Scene 1

Rufus Shinra- Alright Turks….. Get to work!

Elena- You haven't told us our assignments Sir.

Rufus Shinra- You are correct, ok you must split up and….

Reno- *To rude.* I can't hear anything he says through that stupid sheet.

Rufus Shinra- I can hear you Reno, I mean don't you realize that you work for me! Anyway, you must split up and search for Jenova's head.

Reno- A scavenger hunt; sounds easy.

Rufus Shinra- It's not a scavenger hunt, Reno, it's very important work.

Reno- *To rude in a whisper.* Yeah, everything is F#%cking important.

Rufus- Get to work, won't you people.

Reno- I call helicopter.

Tseng- You always call the helicopter.

Reno- Boo hoo Tseng doesn't get what he wants, what a tragedy.

Tseng- *Cocks gun*

Reno- Like you'd shot me; I still call the helicopter.

Elena- Let's go Tseng; Forget about the ginger and the rookie.

Reno- We do have names.

Elena- Like they matter.

*Elena and Tseng leave*

Reno- What are we waiting for?

Rude- ………

*Reno, and Rude leave then aboard helicopter.*

Scene 2

Tifa- Hey babe, you awake?

Cloud- *not there*

Tifa- It's freakin four o' clock in the afternoon; get your ass up.

*Cloud is Listening to Pain by 3 dayz grace on his ipod; while riding his motorcycle through the desert*

Tifa- Cloud?? * Lifts bed sheets in the spot where cloud is supposed to be; revealing a small mountain of pillows.* What in the hell?

Scene 3

Cloud- *mumbles.* I rather feel pain then nothing at all *Listening to Pain by Three Dayz Grace, a second time.*

*Enter Kadja's gang.*

Cloud- *Talking to himself.* Oh no, in Square Enix games Silver haired guys were created to be evil, and annoying.

Loz- Mother!!!!!

Yazoo- Mommy!!!

Kadja- Stop crying, you freakin losers, you are a shame to silver haired men everywhere.

*Cloud is already a mile ahead; he is now listening to gives you hell by All American Rejects*

Kadja- WTF

Loz- *Evil laugh.*

Yazoo- * Joins in on evil laugh.*

Kadja- Not the time you retards; let's get him.

Loz- *Starts to cry.*

Kadja- You are freakin killing me, can't we just go after him like a normal gang?

Yazoo- He's too far away, if we make too much of an effort we may mess up our hair.

Kadja- That's true, let's just say we went after ok.

*Kadja, Yazoo, and Loz knuckle touch.*

Scene 4

* Cloud's phone rings.*

Tifa- First off, where are you? You can't just disappear like that Cloud; I know that Aerith died and it was basically all of your fault, but you've got me as eye candy now.

Cloud- Woah, good morning to you too.

Tifa- Anyway, Reno wants you.

Cloud- What did you say?

Tifa- Reno wants you to come to the new Shrina HQ.

Cloud- oh, that makes sense. *Hangs up*

Tifa- What in the hell.

Scene 5

*Cloud enters Healin lodge.*

*Reno lunges, with cattle prod in hand.*

*Cloud slashes cattle prod with his gigantic 500 lb. sword.*

Reno- What the hell man, that was my mega rod!

Cloud-……….

Rufus- Here Reno, this would probably be a good replacement.

*Rufus hands Reno a toy Star Wars light saber.*

Reno- Boss man, are you serious this looks like it came from Toys R Us.

*Reno tries to turn on light saber but notices the batteries have been removed.*

Reno- Are you freakin serious???

Rufus- You must be high, because that is Shinra's finest technology.

Reno-……….

Rufus- Let the force be with you my son.

Reno-………

*Rude enters, cracking knuckles.*

Cloud-……….

Rufus-……….

Reno-……….

Cloud- Why am I here again?

Rufus- Because Kadja's gang are annoying Sepiroth fan girls; and we need someone with muscle and a big sword like yours to defend our sorry asses.

Reno- Like I need defending.

Rufus- Let the force be with you my son.

*Reno lunges with toy light Saber, soon after he realizes who he is lunging at then restrains himself.*

* Rufus who was quick to notice Reno's actions cocks gun under sheet.*

Reno- Be cool. We were just joking around, right?

Cloud- Ok so what do Kadja's gang want anyway?

Rufus- Their mommy *Laughs.* they lost her, just like those little orphan kids you and Tifa use as tax returns.

Cloud-……..

*Rude cracks knuckles again*

Cloud-……….

Rufus-……….

Reno-……….

Reno- Ah, c'mon cloud we can rebuild Shin-ra together. Also I have this smoking idea for a spin off video game called Reno's hot tub……. It's kinda like Grand theft auto, but different; it's a little bit like Super Mario too. What I'm trying to say is that you can have a cameo role in it. We should also guest star on Pokemon. *Starts humming pokemon battle theme, and twirling around light in his hand.*

Cloud- Ok I'm leaving now.

*Cloud leaves Healin lodge.*

Rufus- Reno, I'm not allowed in Your Hot tub?

Scene 6

*Loz arrives at Midgar church.*

*Tifa is sitting on flowers with Marlena.*

Loz- Mommy?

Tifa- No.

*Loz walks over and bitch slaps Tifa.*

*Tifa collapses immediately mostly because her Triple D's were weighing her down.*

*Loz takes Marlena then starts to sing Another One Bites the Dusk.*

*Cloud arrives after Loz leaves.*

Cloud- What did I miss? *Looks at Tifa passed out on the floor.*

*Helena by My Chemical Romance starts to play on Cloud's ipod, then cloud passes out due to the fact the song reminds him of Aerith.*

Scene 7

*Kadja now a kidnapper; stands in front of a pool of Mako with his stolen goods.*

Kadja- Alright, alright.

Kids- *Whispering loudly.*

Kadja- Ok you can be quiet now.

Kids- *Whispering loudly.*

Kadja- Shut up now.

Kids- *Still talking.*

Scene 8

*Cloud and Tifa are now back to their senses and talking.*

Cloud- I don't wanna….

Tifa- Cloud

Cloud- I don't wanna

Tifa- C'mon Cloud

Cloud- No

Tifa- Stop running! I know. Even if you find the kids you might not be able to help them. Maybe something will happen that can never unhappen, that scares you, doesn't it? But you need to think about it now, really take it in. Look at you, you think you've got it so damn hard. Well you hate being alone so let people in. Sure you might not answer the phone, but I don't see you throw it away either!

Cloud- Why do I have you around?

*Reno and Rude walk in.*

Reno- Her body, and free room and board.

*Tifa glares at Reno.*

*Rude cracks knuckles; everyone in the room stays quiet.*

Reno- ummm, Kadja rounded up a bunch of underage people….. just wanted to let you know.

Rude- So get your asses in gear.

*Reno, and Rude leave.*

Scene 9

*Kadja still standing infront of mako pool.*

Kadja- Shut up Kiddies, Please.

Kids-*Still talking.*

Kadja- Shut up, shut up. Please just shut your freakin faces.

Kids- *Still talking.*

Kadja- *Mumbles.* Time for desperate measures.

Kids- *Still Talking.*

Kadja- NOW THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN, AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE JUST SIT RIGHT THERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE OF A TOWN CALLED BELLAIRE!!!!

Kids-………

Kadja- NOW REPEAT SLAVES.

Kids- Now….. this a story.. about how my life got flipped…. Turned upside down… and I'd like to take a minute.. just stand right there…. And I'll tell you how I became the prince…. Of a town called… Bellaire.

Kadja- Good we're on the same page.

*Cloud arrives.*

Cloud- That show is so old, plus I feel that Will Smith's finest acting was done in the movie Seven Pounds.

Kadja- Your mom is old.

Cloud- Nope my mom is dead. Your mom is just damn straight retarded, oh and lame.

Kadja- *Starts to Cry.*

*Vincent Valentine enters.*

Vincent- Alright Kiddies, I'm going to have to interrupt this gay fest.

Kadja- Flee children, Flee, the emo king has come to make us listen to My Chemical Romance.

Kids- *Start to runaway frantically with Kadja.*

Vincent- Hey now, I'm not the emo king.

Kids- *Continue to flee with Kadja.*

Vincent- I'm….. not gay.

Cloud- No one called you gay.

*Kadja and Kids are no where in sight.*

Vincent- Yeah well.

Vincent- Look inside of my cloak.

Cloud- What you say?

*Vincent opens the flaps of his cloak, and reveals Marlena under them.*

Cloud- I'm not even going to ask.

Scene 10

*Loz, and Yazoo are standing in Midgar town hall; a crowd of children behind them.*

Town citizens- Pedophiles!!!

Town citizens- Give us our kids back, freaks!

*Loz, and Yazoo stand quietly.*

*Town citizens start to chant pedophiles, pedophiles, pedophiles.*

*Cid and Yuffie arrive.*

* Cid puffs on a cigarette, and looks at Yuffie they are both quiet.*

Yuffie- *talks after 10 minutes of silence.* Umm what are we here for?

Cid- Hell if I know, I just heard a commotion, but now I am regretting leaving my game of world of war craft.

Yuffie -…….. this is why we don't hang out.

Cid- Also we probably haven't been able to hang out because I've moved on to Kingdom Hearts.

Yuffie- I'm in that game too.

Cid- Awkward.

*Reno and Rude arrive.*

Reno- Time to kick ass!

*Rude, cracks knuckles.*

Reno- Who's ass are we kicking?

Rude-………..

Scene 11

* Rufus, and Kadja are on the top floor of a very high building.*

Rufus- I have your mamma.

Kadja- Foreal.

Rufus- Yes.

Kadja- like really?

Rufus- Yes.

Kadja- Really?

Rufus- Yes.

Kadja- Really?

Rufus- REALLY! You tard, look in my hands, see this gangster like brief case? It contains Jenova's head aka your mother.

*Kadja screams a draw out version of the word mother; then fixes his hair.*

Rufus- Are you done?

Kadja- I believe so.

Rufus- Ok *Drops brief case off the side of the building.*

Kadja- Oh hell no. *Jumps off the side of the building.*

*While flying through the air Kadja summons Bahamut.*

Rufus- I gotta do this like a boss.

*Rufus leaps from his wheel chair into the air, and starts shooting at Kadja.*

Scene 12

*Reno and Rude look up at Bahamut.*

Reno- Hey rude.

Rude- Yeah

Reno- Want to take a vodka break?

Rude- sounds good.

*Reno and Rude Flee to nearest bar.*

*Loz and Yazoo flee like little babies.*

*Cloud shows Bahamut his big sword and Bahamut flees like a little babie.*

Scene 13

*After a long chase scene Cloud finally catches up to Kadja.*

Kadja- mother, mother, mother *Hugs brief case.*

Cloud-……. So are we going to fight?

Kadja-*Talking to brief case.* We can do it, we can do it, we can be together baby. *Whispers* Oh yeah we can do it.

Cloud- *Starts to play solitaire.* Tell me when you're ready.

Kadja- TRANSFORM. * Kadja opens up brief case and turns into Sepiroth.*

Cloud- Crap….

*Spiny chair materializes, Septhiroth sits in it.*

Cloud- what in the hell?

Septhiroth- *Spins around in chair to face cloud.* I've been expecting you.

*Septhiroth steps out of chair; chair vanishes.*

Cloud- Hey septhiroth.

Septhiroth- Yeah

Cloud- My swords fatter than yours.

*Septhiroth dies again.*

THE END


End file.
